Being a Dominatrix is Surprisingly Hard Work

My most flattering moment of 2024 was when a certain high-profile Japanese dominatrix asked me, casual as you please: “Are you a mistress too?”

I laughed nervously and spluttered in a distinctly un-mistress-like manner. “Erm, no. Maybe? Sometimes, in private?”

“Ah! You are lifestyle mistress. That is nice, actually.” And she smiled, with a wistful quirk about her lips.

Huh. Was this pro-domme just being polite, or was she actually envious that I wasn’t here in Bangkok for work?

~

During Bangkok Fetish Weekend I found myself on yet another fact-finding mission about an unlikely profession: the dominatrix, or professional mistress.

Not that I’m seriously considering it. Okay, maybe I did - for like 5 minutes.

After all, I’m female and not terrible-looking. And the profession is rumoured to pay quite handsomely (US$300/hour, says Google). Plus the barrier to entry is pretty low, I imagine. Just put up a few photos of you with riding crops and sinister metal devices on FetLife, and wait for the offers to pour in. Right?

Eh.

It’s not all that simple, a novice mistress tells me on a toilet run at the Bangkok Fetish Ball. She started doing BDSM play-for-pay to fund her lifestyle as an artist. But she has run into client trouble: her sub, a rich white guy (but of course), has been complaining that she isn’t good enough of a dom. I guess some “submissives” are anything but.

I wondered, what kind of skills would fall under the Dominatrix Competency Framework? I guess you need to really really good at gauging what your clients need. Fetishes are so varied; some want to be dominated not just in the bedroom but also emotionally, mentally, financially and so on. I suppose a good mistress would be able to intuit these and be able to care for their subs well.

Then you need a strong stomach for delivering whatever tortures tickle their fancy. There’s probably no substitute for being actually into BDSM. Otherwise you are going to ruin the illusion midway through a “play session”. (And you thought the Girlfriend Experience was hard enough!)

Besides the actual BDSM sessions (which are presumably the revenue-generating component of this job) the successful pro mistresses also craft and maintain their personas both on- and offline.

Online, what this amounts to a lot of dressing up, going to places (dungeons etc.), creating and posting content, and social media management. Basically, you have to be an influencer and content creator. A good photographer is a must. Not just someone who makes you look good, but with artistic synergy with you, because your imagery has to evoke fetishistic thrills. It’s not just crude titillation you’re going for.

It’s interesting to note that the pros are active on Instagram and X (Twitter). They play a cat-and-mouse game with these platforms all the time. Getting reported, having your content deleted, getting banned outright? Yeah, all in a day's work.

And then there are the public appearances. There's an entire circuit of fetish events around the world and it is obligatory to put in appearances. (Did I mention that BDSM seems to be very much a rich people thing? No doubt the high-end clientele are geographically mobile.)

So, lots of swanning around in your best outfits, being seen and photographed, and most importantly, networking with potential clients. What was a weekend lark for the rest of us, was practically a trade show for the pros.

I suppose most dominatrices start out with a genuine interest in fetish and wind up working in the field. There’s an uncomfortable muddling of the personal and professional. You may go to fetish events to hang out with genuine friends, but you also have to keep your mistress face on.

I asked a mistress: “Do you ever feel like to taking a break from this scene?”

Her reply: “Oh my god, all the time. I just took a break and loved it. Just being vanilla and eating good food. And now (sigh) it’s back to work."

~

Anyway, here is a picture I took outside Forfun Store, the organiser of Bangkok Fetish Ball. Thanks, Forfun, for a fun weekend. :)