I Tried Housesitting in My Own Country

I don’t know about you, but I’m almost always thinking about where to live. Whenever I travel, I’m always going to supermarkets, looking at real estate, and checking out waste disposal systems instead of doing normal tourist things. Although I still don’t where I want to live eventually, I know for sure I don’t wanna be buried alive in Bishan!

This year I decided to look closer to home for viable options. Since I’m getting a divorce, I should be able to buy my own place soon. The question is, where? And in what kind of house? So I researched housing options my favourite way: petsitting!

1. Raksha in Cheng San

My first local sit was a 3-room flat in Ang Mo Kio for a sweet kitty called Raksha. I vibed with her human immediately when we first met. She told me about her alienation from Singapore as it’s so misaligned with her values (sustainability) and professional training (climate science). Rather than conform to our national culture of slavering over GDP growth, she decided to fuck off to Europe. Good for her!

Jon was excited to stay in Cheng San for its political significance in the ‘90s (could’ve been J.B. Jeyaretnam’s if not for gerrymandering). Sadly, the only signs of not-quite-lawfulness here are the hawkers who refuse to accept Paylah/CDC vouchers (salute!) and the migrant workers downing Kingfisher solo at the void decks every night.

Yes, Cheng San is a resolutely working class neighbourhood. The nearby ITE and AMK industrial park appear to keep gentrification in check, so much that even the one fancy-looking BTO estate here appears to be largely unoccupied.

My rating: 9/10

2. Zazou in Stevens

The next sit was for the beautiful and bored Zazou. He lives in one of those big apartments you can only find in an old condo. The place was steeped in an intoxicating aroma of wealth, which I later realised was due to the scented candles and perfumes around the house. So that’s the secret to Rich People Smell!

As for the location, I’m afraid it has nothing to recommend it except its proximity to a 2-line MRT interchange. Like many posh neighbourhoods, it’s completely dead. The only pedestrians are domestic helpers walking golden retrievers. Everyone else drives!

Even though it’s close to Botanic Gardens, the walk there is terrible. I didn’t enjoy getting groceries or food since either necessitated a 20-minute walk along a polluted main road. In any case, Adam Road hawker centre is overrated and full of Mercedes-driving patrons with, once again, more money than taste

My rating: 3/10

3. Bubby in Ghim Moh

I was excited about this housesit because Bubby was described as a “needy” cat. Having never met another, apart from Miaou, I was deathly curious about this creature. It turns out that she is simply a very vocal cat. For example, when she defecates, she will meow until you clean her toilet. Haha! It’s a good thing her meow is very soft and cute.

I enjoyed staying in Bubby’s 3-room HDB. It’s got that classic Mature Estate feature where walking 10 minutes in different directions takes you to wildly different places: the Rail Corridor, Ulu Pandan Park Connector, The Star Vista, a sad-looking BTO, Holland Village, the Hakka cemetery. And with nearly every supermarket chain represented in the vicinity, grocery shopping was fun.

At first I was pleased about rolling out of bed straight into Heavens for thosai, but living above Ghim Moh hawker centre got old after a few days. There’s a constant stream of boomers pulling up in BMWs to queue at that famous duck stall. And they are always scowling! What the hell? If I could drive anywhere to satisfy a braised duck itch, I would be grinning from ear to ear.

My rating: 7/10

4. Nacho in Orchard

Oh dear, living in Orchard lost its appeal quite quickly. Didn’t realise it would be SO POLLUTED. Now, if you didn’t have a dog, you could make your manicured condo your little cocoon. But, with have a dog to walk, you have to choke on car exhaust and subject your ears to traffic thrice a day! And why are there so many ugly, inexplicable things along the roads? Huge plastic orange hoardings (for what??), mysterious piles of rubbish, collections of rat droppings…

Taking care of Nacho was fun but a bit intense as he’s such an energetic dog. I was pretty sad that Nacho had to be leashed when out. He deserves to be bounding across huge distances chasing tennis balls. (Note to self: if I ever become a dog person, proximity to a decent sized park and a dog run should be the top priority. But, also, Singapore is just an awful place for a dog to live in, so I probably would never have one here.)

Apart from the traffic I guess it wasn’t so bad. I did a lot of cooking with Donki groceries since there’s fuck-all to eat in Orchard, and Jon went around collecting things from funny shops on Yindii.

My rating: 5/10

Findings…

Housing type: Between my parents place, Weixiang’s place, and the 2 condo housesits, I think it’s safe to say that condos are really Not My Thing even if I could afford one. I hate having to fumble with an access card, and I feel so oppressed by landscaping that forces you to walk an inefficient route to your destination. Anyway, private estate dwellers are a stuck-up lot. I knocked on my neighbours’ door to borrow a screwdriver, and the whole family looked at me like I was trying to scam them. What.

I was more comfortable in the 3-room flats, but I found them too big and quite a hassle to maintain. When I was in Raksha’s house I slept in the living room and thought that kind of space was more than enough. Who needs living rooms!?

Location: I realised that my location requirements might differ from others. I hated living in the “prestige districts” (Orchard, Bukit Timah) and I don’t have a hard-on for living near “vibrant enclaves” (Joo Chiat, Tiong Bahru). In fact the further from them the better, please.

My strategy is to look for a place at the upper limit of walking distance to an MRT station. Say 15-20 minutes. Ideally a place with nothing special that would attract visitors, like a famous hawker centre. I think homes there are cheaper and neighbourhoods would have more character. By character I mean not dominated by self-congratulatory, BMW-driving, PAP-voting, “pragmatic” middle-upper-class Singaporeans with permanent scowls on their faces.

Amenities: I don’t need “mature estate amenities” like hawker centre or kopitiams, it seems. Anyway I hate 90% of hawker food. As long as there is at least one plebeian supermarket nearby (NOT Cold Storage please, the one at Alocassia was full of expired foodstuff) I’m perfectly happy cooking my own meals even if most of them are just variations of udon soup or sardines on toast.

What has emerged as my true housing needs are peace and clean air. It’s not too easy to tell which places are unpolluted. Like, Stevens seemed very “green” on the map, yet it was so close to Bukit Timah Road and infested with cars. So basically… my ideal SG home is in Tengah after all?

Stay tuned for part 2, where I assess Iskandar, Johor, for liveability — through undoubtedly rose-tinted glasses!