You Think I'm Awesome Because...

Because I don’t take up much space in your life. Psychically, I’m like one of those stand-upright vacuum cleaners or fold-up ironing boards. It’s just how I’m designed. I couldn’t sprawl even if I wanted to.

Because I can selflessly coo at and soothe you even when we fight. I have the universal motherly ability to block out my own pain and hold you to my bosom.

Because your needs take precedence over mine.

Because I tiptoe around your house and am tense all the time with trying not to fart in front of you or spill crumbs on the floor.

Because I need your validation so much that nothing is too sacred for me to give up, not even vegetarian food. (And it now hurts when I go to Fortune Centre and realise all my favourite restaurants have closed down.)

Because I made the first move on you. I bet you think I’m enlightened and egalitarian and assertive. I bet it doesn’t occur to you that I did it because I don’t believe anyone would make the first move on me.

Because I don’t admit my needs to myself, let alone tell you what they are.

Because I have no taste or preferences of my own. I watch your stuff and listen to your music. I laugh along to your comedy, I play your quiz games, I read the news you want to talk about. I bet you feel lucky finding someone who’s into the same things as you are.

Because I’m duplicitous as fuck. I’m so good at making you think I am who you want me to be.

Because I’m convenient. I travel to you. I work with your commitments. I rearrange my life to fit you.

Because I have been voluntarily living in a broom closet all this time, and I don’t blame you for it. I chose to live there.

Because I’m too embarrassed to show you what I listen to or watch or like to eat or what my kinks are. And on the occasions I work up the courage to do so, I get discouraged by your lack of interest. (Why is it that I have to be vocally interested in your stuff, but you don’t feel the need to be interested in mine?)

Because I’m “self-sufficient”.

Because I need a lot of “alone time”, which sounds cool. I bet you didn’t know I use it to cry and rage and all the unacceptable stuff I cannot show anyone without feeling the overwhelming fear of rejection.

Because when I have a meltdown I see a therapist or talk to friends or read Reddit. You have so much going on, and I don’t want to take up your time or come across as self-centred.

Because I’m willing to compromise my values.

Because I’m grateful to you for loving “me”, or at least this avatar of me.

Because I didn’t voice my pain for years, even though it hurt me so badly that I compromised myself getting married for the house so that I could rent out the master bedroom, and in the end we didn’t, because I didn’t want to push for it, and I just accepted it. But if you wanna know, the pain is so great, it seeps out all the time, and I’m always, like, 2 seconds away from crying. Only, you probably think it’s because I don’t have enough exercise or something.

Because I act like I really want to do the things you want to do with me, like attend family dinners or pub quizzes or activist events, even though all of these things are absolutely not me.

Because I seem to accept disempowerment as my lot.

Because I just agree with you all the time.

Because I want you to feel loved and supported even when it costs me.

Because I am eager to be of use to you.

Because, when I had a job, my job was the main form of self-expression, the only place I felt I had some value, where people accepted my rudeness and fundamental unacceptability as trade-offs for my strengths. (Of course, after being redpilled by Marx, I know that all that ego-scaffolding was to make my being the property of my employer for ease of profit extraction.) Anyway, because I had work, I didn’t have to confront my lack of value in other kinds of relationships. It made me a good partner with no needs for you to satisfy.

Because it is very convenient to be with someone who thinks she is worthless. A person with no value has no price to extract, no bargaining power.

Because I cost you nothing.